Peter FitzSimons Hypocrite of the Year

Wins this award for the third consecutive year, despite fierce competition particularly in the form of Karlis Salna, Rowan Quinn, Richard Pembroke, Stephen Jones and others, but just desserts to a finalist in most of our categories. Star libeller in the various other zones of cyber space he inhabits during his copious hours of boredom. His other obsession, gazing adoringly at his own reflection, undoubtedly provided him with an heroic view of bronzed muscle and golden, flowing hair-piece, rising up out of the masses like a demi-God to be worshipped by the lesser beings. But, to the sane mind, he presented a creepy, drooling visage, unbalanced on a spineless mound of quivering lard, oozing the manic snicker and foaming bile of the criminally deranged. Gloating eyes rolled triumphantly at his own craftiness and underhanded cunning in force-feeding as much trouble anonymously as he had in his playing days, gleefully invading privacy, making cowardly threats and propagating libel, conceiving his obsessive, must-win hatred as genius. But the twisted grin and rasping cackle instantly transformed into a wild-eyed, tongue-flailing shriek of outrage and indignation at the first sign of a response; so much as a light-hearted dig at he or one of his "associates", or even the name Peter FitZsimons, as though he himself were virginity personified confronted by the Devil. See how his head explodes with hatred! Often applies the word paranoia in accusation but has managed to classify each and every single person who has ever dared disagree with him as being the same person - regardless of writing styles, views, round the clock times of corresponding, and evidence placed on internet forums that some of these people were, in reality, based on different continents. Who could forget that final, flesh-crawling line at the end of every hideous scene: "Shlater gators (hyek hyek hyek)....". Astonishing he deigns to walk among us.

Karlis Salna Infant of the Year

His pram trumbled home marginally ahead of the luckless Richard Pembroke - The Bees Knees Authoritarian Dictatorship of International Infants, but Andrew's constant wailing he had proved posters wrong simply by wailing that he had, without ever providing a scrap of evidence, except that which served to prove himself wrong, coupled with his persistence in asking precisely the same questions day after Groundhog Day because they were not answered the way he wanted them to be (even tottering after Peter FitzSimons onto other boards for the purpose, tail-wagging, yap-yapping), gave him the edge. Spat the dummy, soiled his nappies and threw his toys out of the cot whenever it was pointed out to him that his tiny island did not lie directly at the centre of the universe. Scoffed at predictions that were later proved accurate, only to lie through his gums about it rather than admit that for all his pomposity and vindictive bitching, he had been shown up as an ignorant bantling once again. Perceived his immature role as one of "cleverness." No matter how often he humiliated himself in argument, always managed to perceive himself as the victor; he who sees afar in the darkness, so that he never learnt a thing. Fitting this award should reside in his kindergarten homeland.

Howard Khan Liar of the Year

Despite a quiet end to the season Howard the coward Khan's efforts during the first half of the term carry him through ahead of such legendary artists in the field as Jan de Koning, Stephen Jones, Rowan Quinn, Karlis Salna and Peter FitzSimons. He repetitively misquoted his old Nemesis and claimed he had said things which he had not said at all, then swaggered in amongst the regulars with valiant tales of saying this or that and how his Nemesis had "lost it;" instantly reduced to a pile of ashes before the cyclopean power of the magnificent Howard. When, in reality, no such discussions actually took place. Perhaps the new Planet Rugby board, with its more transparent format, was the reason for the coward's reduced output during the second half of the term. Or it may be that he has simply defied accepted board practice, realised that infantile spite is not clever but only infantile spite, and actually grown up! Nevertheless, good enough to beat off a strong field of most worthy contenders for this prestigious award.

Richard Pembroke Pretentious Pom of the Year

Outshone and outswanked the rhetorical pomp of Rowan Quinn, co-star of "Pitifully attempting to compensate for my Inferiority complex," spent more time on the Webster Dictionary and Babel-fish translations sites than he did anywhere else, his unnecessary use of florid language and affected cliches in place of straightforward comment augmented his sad attempts at passing himself off as a French soldier; at one time battling rebels on the Ivory Coast; swaying from elementary English to advanced level, invariably overblown, at times spilling Babel-fish French onto a forum which, in reality, was visited by no one but Brits, Saffas and Australasians (incl. expats). But who could forget that sweeping quotation from the "Homer Quotations" site, so heroically delivered from the summit of high-adrenaline, the valiant Hercules, vanquisher of the dastardly Marco by threatening to hack his email address (in big red letters) and invoking the wrath of the site management and Gods in the process?! (Almost as daunting as his brave performance on the Planet Rugby forum of repeatedly posting what he believed to be a personal telephone number). Not merely a star in this category, but a veritable Super Nova.

Stephen Jones Coward of the Year

Strode resolutely out before the watchful eyes of his all-important cyber buddies, determined to awe them with his bravado and temerity by challenging the dastardly foe to an "I know more about everything than you do" showdown at high noon, only to whirl and bolt at the first sign of his challenge being accepted, running scared, Gone with the Wind, gaze fixed on the farthest horizon. Needed to "go and lie down for a while," preen his moustaches, vanished at the speed of lightning, scampered away with his tail between his legs. And if he ain't one hell of a fast runner, he'll do until one comes along! Hysterical in his role as a quixotic bandwagoner at his most effusive and vehement when the battle is already underway, with his ten or twelve Planet Rugby "associates" converging on a single opponent disarmed by a curious censorship policy. One moment guffawing in liaison with the perpetrators, the next springing forth to thrust moral values into our faces, but impotent enough in the absence of his supporting cast with the confused thoughts of one whose mind is mush.

Andy Jackson Redneck of the Year

Goose-stepped across the Planet Rugby forum chanting right-wing ultra-nationalist extremism and narrow-minded, bloodthirsty warmongering with comrades, even marched back through the annals of time to exonerate the British Empire of all its crimes and lay these squarely on the shoulders of the colonials themselves. But the clincher had to be the dismissal of views on the basis of Argentine location and the presumption his own views on Victorian rugby were superior even to those of the State union in question - because he had taken a holiday there! With the sniggering spite of the hostile, salivating toddler when disagreed with; unrivalled in his performance as a heinous, gloating yellow-toothed, snarly-faced skinhead, convinced in his own superior pedigree; a denial of his own deep-seated sense of insecurity. Most memorable line: "All heil the uninspired and one-dimensional bore, stuffy, dry, vociferous and snidey, educated in the patriotic lies of tribal ego gratification and trained in the arts of deceit and immorality."
Honourable mention, but no cigar, must be extended to "We Won So Anyone who Criticised Us in 98 is a Prejudiced Know-nuffink" star, in his role as fellow British right-wing ultra-nationalists and armchair warmonger, Richard Pembroke.

Such works portray the hypocrisies and oppressions that are so intertwined with their nationality and history; the demand to be admired yet the contempt of all others; the ironic portrayal of themselves as heroes and all others as villains despite all of the evil their nation has and does perpetrate. The very traits their own great writers have ridiculed - great writers they proudly claim as their own but whose scathing critiques of British society they so vehemently deny when put to them by others. Hypcorites, morons, would-be dictatators and, most of all, cowards. Think as they do or suffer the consequences.

Jan de Koning Racist of the Year

Heading off his co-star of the Sun City production "Throwback to the Apartheid Era", Piers North, with his hostile reactions to comments regarding the problems, notably racism, within South African rugby and its administration, as well as any suggestion that more should be done to foster rugby in the Pacific Islands. Popped up on the SARFU board like a wooden-headed dummy with all the personality of the same material, assuming the last-mentioned nickname, translating to "Redneck" from Afrikaans, intent upon destroying things there and imposing the same state of apartheid he has worked tirelessly to support on the Planet Rugby forum, before being run out of town (together with Peter FitzSimons and his shadow Karlis Salna) by the more liberal-minded majority on that particular board, retreating at great haste to his familiar environment, and balling his eyes out over the retaliation - in the astonishment of one accustomed to benefiting from double standards.